Day 10

After two weeks of off time (seven of them fighting illness) I came to a special realization while talking to a favorite friend from church. I'll get to it in a second. First, have you noticed how structured I've been about not working? I scheduled volunteer work, set health goals, and built in some self-reflection all intended to keep me on track. On track for what? 

There have been two times in my life that presented real struggles for me in the area of time management and anxiety. Three years ago, I worked a part time job and had lots of down time. I was a mess. I spent too much time alone and listless. I was moody and insecure without a clear role defining who I was and what I was doing. Of course, this led to some healthy self growth and I found a better identity through some God healing. However, full time employment was a huge relief. 

Last summer, I had my first eight week furlough. I did better this time with giving myself goals (fixing up the house) but I spent way too much time alone and still became moody and dissatisfied. In particular, I was feeling pressured to finish the house. There was still a little bit of that insecurity in my identity. The state of the house was the state of my emotions. Was some unpainted trim left unfinished at the end of the summer? Then so was my sense of self worth! Silly me.

With these past experiences in mind, I must have been trying to prevent similar occurrences with my super scheduling. Now to the realization:

-I have had zero anxiety during my time off... Because Matthew works from home! 

Maybe I've grown a little and I don't struggle with anxiety as much. But I am also overflowing with gratitude that God has given me this time of comfort with my husband. It's been wonderful to support each other during our days.We work together a lot on the new house: keeping it clean and making plans. We also share very similar work lives. Both of our jobs are based on consulting: him with his particular brand of software and project management and me with mental health. I'm consistently amused with the struggles we share to communicate complex ideas to others, to prevent and mitigate conflicts, to problem solve, to be encouraging.

We are encouraging to each other and it's been some of the best times of our marriage. One of the reasons I was attracted to Matthew in the first place was because he had ambition. I don't celebrate ambition but I am ambitious myself and it's pleasant to have that in common. We have individual goals for our health, our businesses, and our communities. We have common goals for our marriage, our home, and our family. We have so many opportunities to grow together.

The presence of anxiety in my past does not guarantee it for my future. I thank God for this peaceful time and will be faithful to shore up for future challenges. I pray we continue this habit during the years when time is short and opportunities slim

The presence of difficulty in the past does not guarantee it for the future.