Seven Years

When I first learned about unconditional positive regard in counseling school it felt too good to be true. How could I be accepted for exactly who I was? What about all of my mistakes, innate selfish tendencies and disregard for others? I understood the basic concept and even learned how to use it in sessions, but I struggled personally with the idea that I was worthy of such treatment myself. It felt unrealistic in light of my (admittedly limited) understanding of theology and I did not understand how God could approve of such an experience for myself. I went so far as to worry that my faith and career were incompatible and I would have to choose one or the other.

Logically, I can see how my thinking was flawed. Academically, I understood unconditional positive regard was simply a tool to help people feel validated in their experiences and begin to make positive change as a natural consequence of that feeling. I knew that it was not the same thing as God's love, which is even more capable of seeing us for who we really are than any human and more powerful to change us than our own attempts. No, it was not my mind that got in the way, it was my heart. I was held back from both receiving and giving true unconditional love because I felt hurt and wounded myself. It was impossible to give away something I hadn't yet experienced (or allowed myself to experience) for myself.

God healed me of my hurts, several times. He showed up and loved me, over and over and over. He used other people to do it. And I remembered His promises. And then I went on living and got hurt again and needed healed again and the cycle felt too familiar. What was wrong with me? Why did things have to hurt? I must not have done something right the first time or this wouldn't keep happening . . . 

I recently received my License as a Professional Counselor and while this is a huge milestone in my career and general accomplishments, I know that I have much learning and growing still to do. Perhaps this latest pondering about what it means to Be Loved and to Love Others is my most recent test in life's ongoing trials.

I don't like admitting when I'm wrong. I don't like the hard work required to take other perspectives, be challenged in my beliefs, or face my prejudices. These things don't come easy. They are the Messy Middle, the unknowns, the unforeseen but necessary struggles. Each time I struggle I remember that I am flawed. I am human. It sucks.

Pride is a regular downfall for me (for everyone?) but it isn't my only or biggest one. Hidden below pride is hurt. For me, it's usually fear of rejection. If I am not the Best, the First, or the Most Talented, then how will I know I am loved?

These thoughts are both old and new. It's an ongoing conversation I've been having with myself for at least seven years. Most of my personal epiphanies have something to do with identity, love, acceptance, etc. This is simply one more installment in my quest for insight.

Logically, I know that God loves me and that is enough. He loves who I was seven years ago, who I am now, and who I will become. The missing piece is not my knowledge of God's love but my experience of it, and that takes practice and discipline. We all need to know . . . every moment . . . deeply . . . how much God loves us. Only by experiencing that One True unconditional positive regard can we begin to live freely. The battle is not between Counseling and Christianity, but between hurts and healing.

I have worked for seven years to get to this place, to call myself "Counselor." It is just a name. But it is hard won and I want to keep fighting. This week, I collected two ideas to practice:

1. I will drink water first thing in the morning and meditate on God's Love as healing water

2. I will memorize a scripture that reminds me of this truth

1 John 4: 16-19
So we have come to know and to believe the love that God has for us. God is love, and whoever abides in love abides in God, and God abides in him. By this is love perfected with us, so that we may have confidence for the day of judgment, because as he is so also are we in this world. There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love. We love because he first loved us.

I'm amazed by new friendships originating in happenstance.

Is it coincidence that I find joy in friendship?

How did I get so lucky?

Do humans naturally adapt to love what surrounds us?

Can we learn to love those who are different from us?

Is any government worthy of the challenges we face?

Can we really take care of each other?

If humans are flawed, then is any system we create equally flawed?

Can we stay systematically adaptive to survive society?

Can we take care of those different from us?

Convenience is costly.

What should I sacrifice to take care of myself and my environment?

How does shame prevent change?