Travel (Or how contemplating travel drove me to existential considerations)

There is something my husband says that I find . . . not inspiring, but grounding, because it’s true: Often we don’t want to engage in a particular activity, but want to be able to look back and say that we have done that activity. This thought helps me prioritize my activities and distinguish between what I want to do and what I want to have done. (Anybody out there have a list of life goals they wrote in high school? Mine includes: skinny dip, write a book, act in a big theater production, adopt a child, and meet a famous person. Out of this list, there are very few items I think I would actually enjoy doing. Most are just things I feel like I ought to have done to be a well-lived person or I feel like I’m supposed to enjoy because . . . some reason.)

Foreign travel is one of those activities that I want to have done, and I struggle with actually enjoying doing it. I love to think back to times I experienced anything new. Strangeness has a powerful effect on me. When I am surrounded by unknowns, I tend to reinvent myself and see my life through a new perspective. However, while traveling, I struggle to find the balance between peaceful reinvention of the self and stress in the overwhelming unknown uncontrollables.

I’m currently listening to this book: http://www.hsperson.com/pages/hsp.htm and am viewing every area of my life through the lenses of a Highly Sensitive Person. In case you don’t feel like clicking on the link: a highly sensitive person is one who is overly aware of stimuli and faces unique challenges and insights in everyday life because of those sensitivities. I self-identify as a highly-sensitive person for several reasons but the relevant ones for this post are my tendencies to feel overwhelmed by loud noises, crowds, and spontaneous decisions.

As mentioned in a prior post, I have several food intolerances and follow the Paleo diet as closely as is reasonable for time, effort, and economic restraints. I have yet to experience foreign traveling in light of this particular challenge but I imagine it wouldn’t be easy.

It doesn’t seem like traveling would be a great fit for me, despite my desire to have a “has traveled” notch on my life story. And yet, I do plan to travel next summer (hopefully) to Europe. This journey is much more meaningful to me knowing the barriers I will personally need to overcome to make it happen. You might even say it’s part of my philosophy.

When a person is faced with adversity of any kind, there seem to be two popularly identified responses: those who overcome and those who submit. This has always seemed trite and shallow to me, however. I don’t see value in the act of overcoming itself. It seems that attitude serves no purpose other than to say “Look what I did! It’s so awesome because no one thought I could.” I kind of hear some “Na na-na na-na na’s” in the background.

My purpose for overcoming my HSP-ness and food issues is not so I can prove the strength of my character, but because there are really valuable things to be done in this world and not doing them because of “enter your personal challenge here” is simply not a good excuse. If I don’t do something that I perceive as a really important action, then it will be because it simply didn’t need to be done by me or was not a valuable use of my time.

Let me try to be more specific. I really care about relationships. I love people and getting to know them. Recently, it occurred to me that when someone doesn’t tell me personal and vulnerable information about him or herself, I start to feel very insecure. Even more recently, it occurred to me that I could ask for that information and have begun to do so.

The first majority of my life I didn’t like to put myself out there. At first I was shy, then I was just awkward and didn’t know how to say things I wanted to say. Last, I realized how easily overwhelmed I sometimes become and avoided conversation due to the annoying complexity of it all. None of these are good reasons to back out of building relationship. So, I do it anyway.

Another way to look at it is in the realm of fear. Growing up, it was the thing to do to jump off cliffs into appropriately deep sections of Missouri’s scenic river ways. I really wanted to know what it was like but was afraid. I was afraid it would hurt, that I would hit a rock, that my bathing suit would come off . . . But, for a long time, I did it anyway. I knew I would always wonder what it felt like if I didn’t. (And I jumped multiple times because that feeling is something only real in the moment and harder to remember afterward.) Jumping off big rocks may not seem like a very existential activity but it served a valuable purpose in my development. It taught me that if something is really important to me, then I need to do it.

If it is important to you, do it. That is really the only good reason to do anything.

Let’s bring God into it for a sec. (I should do some Biblical research about this, soon, and give God the real center stage in a blog post.) A common question for Christians is: “What am I supposed to do with my life?” It’s a hard question for many reasons including the obvious fact that there isn’t a simple answer to such a broad question. Then, there’s the overly simplified response of pointing out the places God gives orders like the 10 Commandments or Sermon on the Mount but which do not take into consideration the many varying factors of job, marriage, financial security, politics, yada, yada, yada. But, the truth is, no one really knows their purpose in the world because we’re all still living it and everyone’s different.

My only comfortable answer to this question is the delightfully vague “Purpose is seeking God and doing what we feel like He’s telling us to do.” My point in this is to say that I believe God makes things seem more important to us if we ask Him to show us. But then, we have to choose to act on whatever it is He shows us.

So, I chose to prioritize relationship, despite the headaches of communication snags, insecurities, and differing opinions it brings. Even when I don’t know what to say, I choose to be near people. And if I happen to feel overwhelmed, I don’t beat myself up about it because I know having time to myself will help me be more able to engage with others later. And, I know that I am capable of interacting with people if the moment is a really important one.

I choose to travel because I have learned that new experiences help me accept feelings of discomfort (both physical and cultural) that lead to later endurance, broaden my perspective by challenging my preconceived knowledge of the world, and inspire an adventurous spirit that spurs me to ask and wonder more.

Foreign travel is really important to me so I will do it.

It occurs to me that most write about travel with the intention of singing its praises and I just wrote about how it’s a burden to overcome. Welcome to my world. :-)

Impressions

AN ETHNOGRAPHIC STUDY OF THE INFLUENCE OF PERSONALITY STYLE AND FIRST IMPRESSIONS ON THE AUTHENTICITY OF RELATIONSHIPS 

This post is the first of many I've had stewing for weeks. My hope was that over time, the confused jumble of ideas would settle into a concise, readable narrative. This doesn't appear to be the case. For the gist, just read the bold words.

As a counseling major, I have spent considerable time studying personality traits. I won't go into the wherefores and whatsits of variations. All you need to know is I am (at least my tendency over 50% of the time is to be) an introvert. I'll clarify that to say that I like my alone time and generally need some on a regular basis to feel "normal." But this is not a post about my Myers-Briggs type.
Fact A: I'm an introvert. (Edit: I'm a formerly, sometimes currently, SHY introvert).

Over the years I've developed a wide range of skills and abilities that were not my innate nature but have become a significant part of who I am today. It's important to me to make connections with people I don't know, to help them feel welcome, and to be a good listener- despite the minor discomfort this might cause me. But this is not a post about my personal growth from shy introvert to a more socially-savvy introvert. 
Fact B: I care about people.

This is a post about first impressions. Specifically,
(Research Question) how does personality type influence establishing relationships and the form those relationships take based on the very short amount of time it takes us to make first impressions? And, to cut to the chase, I'm asking this BECAUSE I care about people and want to make good first impressions despite any reservedness on my part.

Let's use me as an example!*: When I walk into a room full of people I don't know well, I have to fight the tendency to clam up. On the other hand, if I'm talking to a good friend, it's REALLY hard to shut me up (You can ask my family of origin, Matthew, Christina, or Kara for confirmation). I act like a four year old me. At the age of four, I was the chattiest person in my family, before peers, high school, and anxiety got in the way.
Observation A: I'm chatty, unless I don't know you very well.

So let's say you and I meet for the first time. I smile. You smile. We exchange basic history's (class, church, work, etc. depending on context) but that's about as far as it goes. Perhaps I want to say more (I'm usually thinking a whole lot more that doesn't quite make it through my filters in that particular moment) but don't and you end up thinking I'm a pretty quiet, even cranky, person. Let's then assume that you, being an extrovert, don't really connect with shy people . . . where can our relationship go from here?
Observation B: I come across as more shy than I really am.

Please don't misunderstand me. I do not think introverts = good and extroverts = bad. I think that we all make assumptions and those assumptions play a big part in how we treat people. Here's another example from the opposite angle:

I meet you for the first time and, being shy, don't say a whole lot. You, not feeling particularly shy, say more to compensate and I make the assumption that you are not a good listener. Since I like to talk, I assume we won't get along very well because you talk more than me in the first five minutes we spend together. 
Observation C: I judge people based on how well they listen to me.

This really is a conundrum I cause myself. I realize that (I'm working on it, I promise!) But let me repeat the question now that you have some context:
(Research Question, repeated) How are my relationships influenced by my initial shyness, even if I open up more later in the relationship?

This entire post was inspired by a flash of insight I had while mopping at work about a month ago. I realized for the first time just how important first impressions really are to establishing honest, authentic relationships. In a way I have been unable to in the past, I can now accept responsibility for the way my own behaviors have confused my identity in the minds of others.
Hypothesis: Some of my relationships are based on a lie!

This lie may be big or small, depending on context and closeness. I think I can safely say I show my authentic side more and more over time and even feel comfortable being Me in public on occasion. However, my "research" from now on will be trying to figure out how to
(Objectives) {1} improve current relationships that may be based on a lie and to {2} prevent the lie from occurring in the future. 
Data collection: Ethnography.
Participants: Me and those around me.
Time: Indefinite.

Stay tuned for Chapters 4 and 5, my Results and Discussion. In conclusion, I feel a renewed sense of responsibility for the weight I carry in making and giving first impressions. This is a key factor in the health and depth of my relationships. Moving forward, an increased ease in communication style should give others a more accurate picture of the true Me.
Conclusion: I owe it to myself and others to act authentically in all situations.

Appendix A: *I don't claim to be an expert on me. If you have had a different experience of me, please share. I'd love to learn from you! This post comes from the analytical part of my brain, the part that looks at the world and asks, "Why?"

Appendix B: I like me.

Happiness

My friend Ellen (http://bubblewriting.blogspot.com/) wrote about finding destinies, today. It reminded me of a quote that is on the wall of the daycare where I work:

"When I was 5 years old, my mother always told me that happiness was the key to life. When I went to school, they asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I wrote down ‘happy.’ They told me I didn’t understand the assignment, and I told them they didn’t understand life."

- John Lennon

This quote is in the hallway between the 4- and 5-year old classrooms, the same age John and, I imagine, Ellen were when asked this question. I'm inspired every time I wander past with a broom at the end of the day.

When I was growing up, I would not have said, "I want to work in a daycare." But, it's where I am and I am content. The daycare where I work is a cheerful, honest place. The people there care about doing a good job and work together to provide for the needs of the children. During my time there, I have learned to value service and integrity and to strive to exhibit these traits more in myself.

I also work at a college as a part-time academic advisor. While this job is more in line with "what I want to be when I grow up," I do not feel that the work is more valuable than what I do at my second job. Both tasks are necessary and through both, I find pleasure in providing guidance and having a place to belong.

Ultimately, what I want to be is more abstract and broad than I could ever have defined as a child. Helping others, belonging somewhere, and working well are, in fact, enough to provide for my own happiness. Hopefully, along the way, I can inspire happiness in the small and large minds I encounter daily.

-April