Sometimes, God talks to me while I'm driving home from the grocery store listening to the radio. I don't really feel like I said what I was trying to say, but go ahead and enjoy my stream of consciousness:
I asked God to help me understand why it's so hard to watch other people struggle. If someone I know is hurting, I want to comfort them and cry with them. I want to feed them a nice dinner. Mostly, I want to fix the problem for them. Sometimes I think this is out of my own need to control things rather than a desire to make someone else's pain go away.
I have pretty low tolerance for discomfort and have mastered the art of complaining. I usually get what I want. I find boredom equally as painful as busyness. I'm constantly striving for balance between hunger and fullness, thirst and having to pee all the time, loneliness and social anxiety. In addition to this, I really don't like not knowing if I will be able to take care of these needs in the future. I plan. I pack snacks.
But God doesn't give me perfect balance in every situation. I have to suffer through the reality of life. Meditation has helped with this. I'm learning to be present in the moment, breathe through it and be okay. This has calmed my general state of mind as well as my existential state of mind. Life after death doesn't sound so terrifying anymore.
Because of my intolerance to uncertainty I don't always know how to respond to friends who are in painful situations. I know I can't fix it. I know there's nothing practical that will make it better. I know nobody is expecting me to make it better. But still, there's this internal pressure to somehow be just the right kind of friend to make things better. I don't know what it is but if I don't do it then I've failed as a friend. What kind of friend just lets people suffer?
I know this is not really about other people. It's really about me.
I don't expect God to take away all of my uncertainty, but I'm still learning how to deal with it. It feels like driving on a small highway late at night. It's like waiting for my dad to get home from work and it's stormy outside. It's staying with relatives while my mom is having surgery. It's being five years old and dealing with all these other kids at school who do and say unexpected things.
So tonight while driving home, I recognized to myself and to God that my discomfort with uncertainty may be hampering my interactions with the world. His response:
-There will always be uncertainty in life (ugh)
-Uncertainty will probably always be uncomfortable (ugh)
-I can trust in His ability to take care of me
-I can trust in His ability to take care of other people
-I can remember what He has done for me in the past
-I can make appropriate decisions based on the skills and knowledge He has given me
-I can let go of any personal responsibility I have put on myself for the suffering of other people
Hebrews 13:7-8
Remember your leaders, those who spoke to you the word of God. Consider
the outcome of their way of life, and imitate their faith. Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever.
The leaders I think about in that verse are not people who have life easy or comfortable. They are people who rely on God. I can change my goal from "being comfortable" to "being reliant on God." It may be uncomfortable but losing the burden of responsibility evens things out. :-)
