AN ETHNOGRAPHIC STUDY OF THE INFLUENCE OF PERSONALITY STYLE AND FIRST IMPRESSIONS ON THE AUTHENTICITY OF RELATIONSHIPS
This post is the first of many I've had stewing for weeks. My hope was that over time, the confused jumble of ideas would settle into a concise, readable narrative. This doesn't appear to be the case. For the gist, just read the bold words.
As a counseling major, I have spent considerable time studying personality traits. I won't go into the wherefores and whatsits of variations. All you need to know is I am (at least my tendency over 50% of the time is to be) an introvert. I'll clarify that to say that I like my alone time and generally need some on a regular basis to feel "normal." But this is not a post about my Myers-Briggs type.
Fact A: I'm an introvert. (Edit: I'm a formerly, sometimes currently, SHY introvert).
Over the years I've developed a wide range of skills and abilities that were not my innate nature but have become a significant part of who I am today. It's important to me to make connections with people I don't know, to help them feel welcome, and to be a good listener- despite the minor discomfort this might cause me. But this is not a post about my personal growth from shy introvert to a more socially-savvy introvert.
Fact B: I care about people.
This is a post about first impressions. Specifically,
(Research Question) how does personality type influence establishing relationships and the form those relationships take based on the very short amount of time it takes us to make first impressions? And, to cut to the chase, I'm asking this BECAUSE I care about people and want to make good first impressions despite any reservedness on my part.
Let's use me as an example!*: When I walk into a room full of people I don't know well, I have to fight the tendency to clam up. On the other hand, if I'm talking to a good friend, it's REALLY hard to shut me up (You can ask my family of origin, Matthew, Christina, or Kara for confirmation). I act like a four year old me. At the age of four, I was the chattiest person in my family, before peers, high school, and anxiety got in the way.
Observation A: I'm chatty, unless I don't know you very well.
So let's say you and I meet for the first time. I smile. You smile. We exchange basic history's (class, church, work, etc. depending on context) but that's about as far as it goes. Perhaps I want to say more (I'm usually thinking a whole lot more that doesn't quite make it through my filters in that particular moment) but don't and you end up thinking I'm a pretty quiet, even cranky, person. Let's then assume that you, being an extrovert, don't really connect with shy people . . . where can our relationship go from here?
Observation B: I come across as more shy than I really am.
Please don't misunderstand me. I do not think introverts = good and extroverts = bad. I think that we all make assumptions and those assumptions play a big part in how we treat people. Here's another example from the opposite angle:
I meet you for the first time and, being shy, don't say a whole lot. You, not feeling particularly shy, say more to compensate and I make the assumption that you are not a good listener. Since I like to talk, I assume we won't get along very well because you talk more than me in the first five minutes we spend together.
Observation C: I judge people based on how well they listen to me.
This really is a conundrum I cause myself. I realize that (I'm working on it, I promise!) But let me repeat the question now that you have some context:
(Research Question, repeated) How are my relationships influenced by my initial shyness, even if I open up more later in the relationship?
This entire post was inspired by a flash of insight I had while mopping at work about a month ago. I realized for the first time just how important first impressions really are to establishing honest, authentic relationships. In a way I have been unable to in the past, I can now accept responsibility for the way my own behaviors have confused my identity in the minds of others.
Hypothesis: Some of my relationships are based on a lie!
This lie may be big or small, depending on context and closeness. I think I can safely say I show my authentic side more and more over time and even feel comfortable being Me in public on occasion. However, my "research" from now on will be trying to figure out how to
(Objectives) {1} improve current relationships that may be based on a lie and to {2} prevent the lie from occurring in the future.
Data collection: Ethnography.
Participants: Me and those around me.
Time: Indefinite.
Stay tuned for Chapters 4 and 5, my Results and Discussion. In conclusion, I feel a renewed sense of responsibility for the weight I carry in making and giving first impressions. This is a key factor in the health and depth of my relationships. Moving forward, an increased ease in communication style should give others a more accurate picture of the true Me.
Conclusion: I owe it to myself and others to act authentically in all situations.
Appendix A: *I don't claim to be an expert on me. If you have had a different experience of me, please share. I'd love to learn from you! This post comes from the analytical part of my brain, the part that looks at the world and asks, "Why?"
Appendix B: I like me.
