Day 3

Growing up in a small town, community just seemed to sort of . . . happen. I didn't really understand the effort that went into relationships because I had my parents/ school/ church/ other people to take care of planning events for me. Adult relationships are a lot of work but that work makes it so much more worth it.

Okay, so I'm thinking about this because I'm on Day 3 of my summer and I'm realizing where I am now is different than where I was last year. I had a mental list of how to spend my time last summer that included house projects, travel, and some family/ friend time. However, this year, spending time with friends and family is at the top of my list and I have been way more intentional about it. I don't want to lose any time!

Making friends as an adult seems mysterious but I think the same rules still apply. When I was growing up, my parents would coach me on how to do social stuff. If I wanted to hang out with someone, I had to ask that friend to ask their parents if she could come to my house on X day at Y time. It was usually an after school thing. My mom would make snacks.

At some point growing up, my parents stopped telling me how to hang out with people and the rules got a little fuzzier. It wasn't cool anymore to ask your teenage friends, "Hey, do you want to come hang out at my house after school?" No. People went to Sonic, or the pizza place, or a local barn (small town life). I was a junior in high school before cell phones really exploded. That changed my social life a LOT. People were instantly accessible. I didn't have to worry about their parents answering the phone. Communication became faster and more intimate and there weren't any rules.

So now that everyone has cell phones and we don't hang out after school and our parents don't make our snacks for us, I forget that relationships still follow the same basic rules.

"Hey, _______, do you want to hang out on X day and Y time? Let's eat _________, or drink _________, or watch _________."

Have you ever noticed how we tend to hang out with people we see in our day to day lives more than other people? This seems normal and natural but also unfair. Yeah, I like the people I work with and the people I go to church with and my neighbors. But, I also like people outside of my daily circles and I want to make time for them. So, I will.

Thus, my summer plans include travel to see people outside of my daily circles. It includes intentional get-togethers. I will call my neighbor and ask her to come over on X day and Y time to drink tea or walk around the neighborhood or go to a park.

Volunteer
I'm in preparation mode. I have two classes scheduled for Mondays and they will be roughly the same so that simplifies my life. I look forward to getting to know my students. :-)

Whole 30
I made pecan pie bars, yesterday, even though you're not supposed to make dessert substitutes. I didn't add the maple syrup so I dub them, "Acceptable." I like them a lot but I think I cooked them too long or needed to add more oil because they were a little dry.

• pulse 1.7 almond flour, 1 egg, 1 tsp coconut oil, ¼ tsp salt. press into pan. bake for 15 minutes at 350.
• blend 8 oz dates. add 2 eggs, ½ tsp vanilla, cinnamon
• pour and sprinkle 1 cup pecans. back for 30 minutes at 350.

We had a small group party last night and I successfully did not eat a single potato chip, even though they are still sitting on my counter. Since I have a cold, today, and my defenses are down, I may need Matthew to hide them before too long . . .

Study
Since I woke up with a cold, today. This is probably all I'm going to do. Why is it I can't sit still and read a book until I'm sick?

Self-Care
When I woke up sick, I cleared my schedule and took some medicine. So that counts, right? I'm also going to spend the day sitting and reading. Also, I wrote this blog.

-April

Friendly Feelings

Hi guys. I have a big emotional thing I want to talk about. God's doing something in me and I think he might want to do it in others. Here's the story:

For a long time, I felt emotionally disconnected from other people. Maybe we all do at times? As a child, I was shy. As an adolescent, I was lonely. I didn't know why, but it seemed like everyone around me had better relationships than I did.

I internalized this feeling. I thought there was something wrong with me.

Then I thought maybe there was something wrong with everyone else.

Either way, I didn't feel like I had very many close friends who accepted me.

In college, I got involved with a female bible study group and we took turns telling our stories. There is something very magical about sharing personal information in a group setting and then experiencing complete acceptance and love in return. My experience in that group healed a lot of previous hurt and I ended up making some of the best friendships I still have.

I went through counseling school and learned a lot of good stuff about personal growth. I got even better. My marriage got better. I made more friends.

I joined Vineyard Church and God did some more healing (the kind only He can do.) In addition to the mental health I had been working on, God fixed some spiritual things. My relationships felt healthier than ever.

But all along this amazing journey, there was still a shred of that old hurt hanging on. I could feel it especially when I was tired or stressed. When I was too busy to spend a lot of time with people (my love language) I started to doubt my relationships. I could tell it was happening because I'd share my feelings with my husband and he'd give me that "You're really strange" look. God had done enough in my life that I knew these feelings came from a place of insecurity and were full of lies (LIES!), but it still hurt to feel that way.

As tends to happen in my relationship with God, feelings build up over time until I get tired of it and I come to Him, completely vulnerable, begging Him to take away this thorn in my side. "Why do I have to suffer from such bitterness! Why don't you just fix it, God?" Two weeks ago, after dealing with a lot of stress and busy-ness (we're buying a house!), it happened again. I cried. I got angry. God heard me.

So here are the gross details of my big emotional problem. I'm explaining it because if this situation sounds at all familiar to you, I want you to experience freedom like I have.

The Problem

If friends talked about hanging out with other friends, I felt left out.

If I learned about a social event where several friends were together and I wasn't invited, I felt left out.

If friends talked about how much they liked other friends, I felt like they didn't like me (or like me as much).

Basically, any positive attention shown by people I cared about for other people meant (to me) that people didn't care about me.

Obviously, these assumptions are ridiculous and wrong for so many reasons. I knew it was wrong but couldn't stop feeling that way. I strongly believe that in order to get rid of something bad, you have to replace it with something good. Here are some of the truths that God hammered (and is still hammering) into my brain:

The Solution

1. My worth as a person is found in God alone, not in what other people may do or say.

2. I have to understand how much God loves me, first, before I can experience healthy love from anyone else.

3. It is unfair to judge how someone feels about me based on random events or actions I observe and collect as "evidence" - that may or may not have anything at all to do with me.

4. God can heal incorrect beliefs and unhealthy patterns of behavior. God can change hearts and minds.

So, I prayed for God to heal me. First, I asked Him to prompt me mentally when I began to feel bad about a relationship. I asked that He would remind me of the truth so I could replace wrong beliefs with right ones. I also prayed that he would change my feelings, because I know that it is not His will for me to have low self-esteem.

And God came through. It has been two weeks since I prayed that prayer and I have encountered several opportunities to have God change my mind and heart. He has been faithful to me and I will continue to practice the habits he is growing in me.

I hope this helps someone. <3

Impressions

AN ETHNOGRAPHIC STUDY OF THE INFLUENCE OF PERSONALITY STYLE AND FIRST IMPRESSIONS ON THE AUTHENTICITY OF RELATIONSHIPS 

This post is the first of many I've had stewing for weeks. My hope was that over time, the confused jumble of ideas would settle into a concise, readable narrative. This doesn't appear to be the case. For the gist, just read the bold words.

As a counseling major, I have spent considerable time studying personality traits. I won't go into the wherefores and whatsits of variations. All you need to know is I am (at least my tendency over 50% of the time is to be) an introvert. I'll clarify that to say that I like my alone time and generally need some on a regular basis to feel "normal." But this is not a post about my Myers-Briggs type.
Fact A: I'm an introvert. (Edit: I'm a formerly, sometimes currently, SHY introvert).

Over the years I've developed a wide range of skills and abilities that were not my innate nature but have become a significant part of who I am today. It's important to me to make connections with people I don't know, to help them feel welcome, and to be a good listener- despite the minor discomfort this might cause me. But this is not a post about my personal growth from shy introvert to a more socially-savvy introvert. 
Fact B: I care about people.

This is a post about first impressions. Specifically,
(Research Question) how does personality type influence establishing relationships and the form those relationships take based on the very short amount of time it takes us to make first impressions? And, to cut to the chase, I'm asking this BECAUSE I care about people and want to make good first impressions despite any reservedness on my part.

Let's use me as an example!*: When I walk into a room full of people I don't know well, I have to fight the tendency to clam up. On the other hand, if I'm talking to a good friend, it's REALLY hard to shut me up (You can ask my family of origin, Matthew, Christina, or Kara for confirmation). I act like a four year old me. At the age of four, I was the chattiest person in my family, before peers, high school, and anxiety got in the way.
Observation A: I'm chatty, unless I don't know you very well.

So let's say you and I meet for the first time. I smile. You smile. We exchange basic history's (class, church, work, etc. depending on context) but that's about as far as it goes. Perhaps I want to say more (I'm usually thinking a whole lot more that doesn't quite make it through my filters in that particular moment) but don't and you end up thinking I'm a pretty quiet, even cranky, person. Let's then assume that you, being an extrovert, don't really connect with shy people . . . where can our relationship go from here?
Observation B: I come across as more shy than I really am.

Please don't misunderstand me. I do not think introverts = good and extroverts = bad. I think that we all make assumptions and those assumptions play a big part in how we treat people. Here's another example from the opposite angle:

I meet you for the first time and, being shy, don't say a whole lot. You, not feeling particularly shy, say more to compensate and I make the assumption that you are not a good listener. Since I like to talk, I assume we won't get along very well because you talk more than me in the first five minutes we spend together. 
Observation C: I judge people based on how well they listen to me.

This really is a conundrum I cause myself. I realize that (I'm working on it, I promise!) But let me repeat the question now that you have some context:
(Research Question, repeated) How are my relationships influenced by my initial shyness, even if I open up more later in the relationship?

This entire post was inspired by a flash of insight I had while mopping at work about a month ago. I realized for the first time just how important first impressions really are to establishing honest, authentic relationships. In a way I have been unable to in the past, I can now accept responsibility for the way my own behaviors have confused my identity in the minds of others.
Hypothesis: Some of my relationships are based on a lie!

This lie may be big or small, depending on context and closeness. I think I can safely say I show my authentic side more and more over time and even feel comfortable being Me in public on occasion. However, my "research" from now on will be trying to figure out how to
(Objectives) {1} improve current relationships that may be based on a lie and to {2} prevent the lie from occurring in the future. 
Data collection: Ethnography.
Participants: Me and those around me.
Time: Indefinite.

Stay tuned for Chapters 4 and 5, my Results and Discussion. In conclusion, I feel a renewed sense of responsibility for the weight I carry in making and giving first impressions. This is a key factor in the health and depth of my relationships. Moving forward, an increased ease in communication style should give others a more accurate picture of the true Me.
Conclusion: I owe it to myself and others to act authentically in all situations.

Appendix A: *I don't claim to be an expert on me. If you have had a different experience of me, please share. I'd love to learn from you! This post comes from the analytical part of my brain, the part that looks at the world and asks, "Why?"

Appendix B: I like me.