Hi guys. I have a big emotional thing I want to talk about. God's doing something in me and I think he might want to do it in others. Here's the story:
For a long time, I felt emotionally disconnected from other people. Maybe we all do at times? As a child, I was shy. As an adolescent, I was lonely. I didn't know why, but it seemed like everyone around me had better relationships than I did.
I internalized this feeling. I thought there was something wrong with me.
Then I thought maybe there was something wrong with everyone else.
Either way, I didn't feel like I had very many close friends who accepted me.
In college, I got involved with a female bible study group and we took turns telling our stories. There is something very magical about sharing personal information in a group setting and then experiencing complete acceptance and love in return. My experience in that group healed a lot of previous hurt and I ended up making some of the best friendships I still have.
I went through counseling school and learned a lot of good stuff about personal growth. I got even better. My marriage got better. I made more friends.
I joined Vineyard Church and God did some more healing (the kind only He can do.) In addition to the mental health I had been working on, God fixed some spiritual things. My relationships felt healthier than ever.
But all along this amazing journey, there was still a shred of that old hurt hanging on. I could feel it especially when I was tired or stressed. When I was too busy to spend a lot of time with people (my love language) I started to doubt my relationships. I could tell it was happening because I'd share my feelings with my husband and he'd give me that "You're really strange" look. God had done enough in my life that I knew these feelings came from a place of insecurity and were full of lies (LIES!), but it still hurt to feel that way.
As tends to happen in my relationship with God, feelings build up over time until I get tired of it and I come to Him, completely vulnerable, begging Him to take away this thorn in my side. "Why do I have to suffer from such bitterness! Why don't you just fix it, God?" Two weeks ago, after dealing with a lot of stress and busy-ness (we're buying a house!), it happened again. I cried. I got angry. God heard me.
So here are the gross details of my big emotional problem. I'm explaining it because if this situation sounds at all familiar to you, I want you to experience freedom like I have.
The Problem
If friends talked about hanging out with other friends, I felt left out.
If I learned about a social event where several friends were together and I wasn't invited, I felt left out.
If friends talked about how much they liked other friends, I felt like they didn't like me (or like me as much).
Basically, any positive attention shown by people I cared about for other people meant (to me) that people didn't care about me.
Obviously, these assumptions are ridiculous and wrong for so many reasons. I knew it was wrong but couldn't stop feeling that way. I strongly believe that in order to get rid of something bad, you have to replace it with something good. Here are some of the truths that God hammered (and is still hammering) into my brain:
The Solution
1. My worth as a person is found in God alone, not in what other people may do or say.
2. I have to understand how much God loves me, first, before I can experience healthy love from anyone else.
3. It is unfair to judge how someone feels about me based on random events or actions I observe and collect as "evidence" - that may or may not have anything at all to do with me.
4. God can heal incorrect beliefs and unhealthy patterns of behavior. God can change hearts and minds.
So, I prayed for God to heal me. First, I asked Him to prompt me mentally when I began to feel bad about a relationship. I asked that He would remind me of the truth so I could replace wrong beliefs with right ones. I also prayed that he would change my feelings, because I know that it is not His will for me to have low self-esteem.
And God came through. It has been two weeks since I prayed that prayer and I have encountered several opportunities to have God change my mind and heart. He has been faithful to me and I will continue to practice the habits he is growing in me.
I hope this helps someone. <3
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