Friendly Feelings

Hi guys. I have a big emotional thing I want to talk about. God's doing something in me and I think he might want to do it in others. Here's the story:

For a long time, I felt emotionally disconnected from other people. Maybe we all do at times? As a child, I was shy. As an adolescent, I was lonely. I didn't know why, but it seemed like everyone around me had better relationships than I did.

I internalized this feeling. I thought there was something wrong with me.

Then I thought maybe there was something wrong with everyone else.

Either way, I didn't feel like I had very many close friends who accepted me.

In college, I got involved with a female bible study group and we took turns telling our stories. There is something very magical about sharing personal information in a group setting and then experiencing complete acceptance and love in return. My experience in that group healed a lot of previous hurt and I ended up making some of the best friendships I still have.

I went through counseling school and learned a lot of good stuff about personal growth. I got even better. My marriage got better. I made more friends.

I joined Vineyard Church and God did some more healing (the kind only He can do.) In addition to the mental health I had been working on, God fixed some spiritual things. My relationships felt healthier than ever.

But all along this amazing journey, there was still a shred of that old hurt hanging on. I could feel it especially when I was tired or stressed. When I was too busy to spend a lot of time with people (my love language) I started to doubt my relationships. I could tell it was happening because I'd share my feelings with my husband and he'd give me that "You're really strange" look. God had done enough in my life that I knew these feelings came from a place of insecurity and were full of lies (LIES!), but it still hurt to feel that way.

As tends to happen in my relationship with God, feelings build up over time until I get tired of it and I come to Him, completely vulnerable, begging Him to take away this thorn in my side. "Why do I have to suffer from such bitterness! Why don't you just fix it, God?" Two weeks ago, after dealing with a lot of stress and busy-ness (we're buying a house!), it happened again. I cried. I got angry. God heard me.

So here are the gross details of my big emotional problem. I'm explaining it because if this situation sounds at all familiar to you, I want you to experience freedom like I have.

The Problem

If friends talked about hanging out with other friends, I felt left out.

If I learned about a social event where several friends were together and I wasn't invited, I felt left out.

If friends talked about how much they liked other friends, I felt like they didn't like me (or like me as much).

Basically, any positive attention shown by people I cared about for other people meant (to me) that people didn't care about me.

Obviously, these assumptions are ridiculous and wrong for so many reasons. I knew it was wrong but couldn't stop feeling that way. I strongly believe that in order to get rid of something bad, you have to replace it with something good. Here are some of the truths that God hammered (and is still hammering) into my brain:

The Solution

1. My worth as a person is found in God alone, not in what other people may do or say.

2. I have to understand how much God loves me, first, before I can experience healthy love from anyone else.

3. It is unfair to judge how someone feels about me based on random events or actions I observe and collect as "evidence" - that may or may not have anything at all to do with me.

4. God can heal incorrect beliefs and unhealthy patterns of behavior. God can change hearts and minds.

So, I prayed for God to heal me. First, I asked Him to prompt me mentally when I began to feel bad about a relationship. I asked that He would remind me of the truth so I could replace wrong beliefs with right ones. I also prayed that he would change my feelings, because I know that it is not His will for me to have low self-esteem.

And God came through. It has been two weeks since I prayed that prayer and I have encountered several opportunities to have God change my mind and heart. He has been faithful to me and I will continue to practice the habits he is growing in me.

I hope this helps someone. <3

Political Post

Because I don't know how to talk about this but it is really important, I'm going to keep it short.

On April 7th, I will vote no to repeal the SOGI bill because it is wrong to deny the rights of individuals (such as employment, housing, and the use of public facilities) based on personal identity, just like it is wrong to discriminate based on sex, age, race, etc.

I vote to allow all persons in this city equal access to basic civil liberties.

If there are complications in response to this bill remaining law, then I will help to resolve those issues as they arise (IF they arise) on a case by case basis by continuing to vote in the future. I also care about the rights of organizations like churches to continue to enjoy religious freedom and the rights of small children to feel safe in public restrooms.

I hope we all can work together to keep this city a safe, happy, and productive city.

Joy

I type this in the back of the car while we travel home from visiting family. Nostalgia strikes.

The older I get the more I appreciate the true gift of my family. Though we cannot earn God's love, I know He desires us to feel it directly  and through human companionship, affection and fun. I am lucky to have these things in my biological family and in my acquired friends and church family.

We were gathered with my brother's in-laws to celebrate my niece's dedication at church. In our brief time, we played music, practiced trap shooting (I hit five!), cooked, and threw snow balls.

Some videos and pictures were taken but I will have to remember that perfect baby smell, watching her eyes light up to You Are My Sunshine, the awe of knowing this child has so much to look forward to and how much I have to give.

I watched two sets of grandparents and the great-grandparent respect the new parents and be pillars of support. If only everyone on the planet could experience the depth of nurturing displayed for one tiny human...what a world that would be.

I'm lucky to have this family. What joy is found in communion with God and those who love him. I want to be this kind of family in my community. I'm dedicated to that.

House Updates

2014 has been a year of . . . . very . . . slow . . . home updates. I really know how to drag out a project. Luckily, I also had some help.

We have the intention of selling our house in a couple of years as our current home has limited space and only one bathroom. After talking to our favorite realtor (Scott is the very best), we settled on a list of projects to raise the appeal of our house without over investing.

Our fist big change was the bathroom. The shower/ tub combo was technically fully functional but looked really gross. There was a weird ledge thing between the shower and the toilet that our cats LOVED to lay on, resulting in the oddly-placed wallpaper to peel in that spot. The whole room looked a ghastly shade of yellow. And, as Scott informed us, a pretty bathroom is a big selling point!

Below is a terrible before picture because we didn't like taking pictures of our bathroom when it was ugly.

Here is the wall behind our shower, briefly exposed during the renovation.

The new shower!

Many hours of wallpaper removal and painting later . . . 

The bathroom project was accomplished during my break between quitting one job and starting another. I was grateful to have the flexibility to stay home and monitor the contractors and get all the painting done!

The next big chunk of projects were accomplished during my 8-week furlough over the summer and then I finished up small things on a couple of federal holidays. Dad helped me fix both the front and back fences! We stained the wooden front fence a pretty rustic brown. Katie also took a turn painting while I took a turn baby watching. Double win.

I will not show you the back fence as it's really just one corner of bent chain link that we fixed. We actually had to fix it twice since some neighborhood kids really enjoyed using that corner to access our yard. (Grr). It's stayed in pretty good shape for a while now.

I painted inside. A lot.

Here's my Ireland Wall with our new urban sunrise paint in the bedroom.

The hallway is also urban sunrise.

The (also urban sunrise) guest room contains new curtains that were an awesome garage sale find, courtesy of The Crawfords. Thanks, Isaac and Tiffany! I hung them horizontally so I could use two curtains in place of four. With the added inches of curtain hooks, they cover the whole window. This room is currently a disaster as I'm still working on painting the trim and some end tables.

The kitchen is a lovely sage green called "April Thicket." No joke. I'm also ridiculously proud of my ability to screw a hole in the wall and hang a plant. Victory is mine!

I'm constantly rearranging the furniture in our living areas. I've now designated our "dining room" as a "reading and music room." It has all of our instruments and music/ art stuff as well as a wall full of books. It's basically my favorite room in the house and gets the most natural light. Both living areas have newly refinished hard wood floors that was a whole week project.

I did not paint either living area because that's a lot of work for little gain. With all of the natural light these two rooms get, the yellow/ beige walls don't bother me as much. The trim is the same bright white I'm painting in the whole house, however.

We've taken a couch out of the equation and stored it in the basement. The living room has two areas, a sort of entry/ foyer and this room-inside-a-room. The TV is in the fireplace to save space. It's perfect. The entry/ foyer area, like the guest room, is still in progress.

Last but not least is Matthew's Office. He works from home now and this room is all his. As you can see in the Reading Room picture, I moved my desk out. Serendipitously, I decided to move out of the office months before he even thought about working from home. *Grateful*

Thanks for reading. I'll leave you with a picture of our Christmas Tree. It's a mini lemon cypress!

-April

The New Normal

Have you heard of the new normal?

Every now and then, something comes along in life and changes everything. At first, you're shocked, stunned. How could this happen? Of course, you probably know how it happened (your church moved buildings, you got a new job, your best friend moves away, etc.) But what you didn't know, was that in addition to changing your circumstances, this new normal also changes your outlook, your every day feelings, your routine. It feels like starting over . . . which can feel like losing something.

Our pastor preached about this new normal a while ago. It's a phrase I like to use in situations like changing my diet forever, or becoming an aunt (yay!) It applies to pretty much any time you realize: Everything is different now.

In my life, the new normal happens pretty regularly. It feels like stretching. Along that line, the more my life changes and I learn to adjust to new situations and circumstances, the more flexible I feel. I've not had major changes in my life, considering, but to me, some changes still feel really big.

When Matthew broke his collar bone and got a concussion, I felt the new normal of becoming a care taker for the first time and learning to put someone else's needs before my own. When I worked my first full-time job, I learned the new normal of sacrificing my time to help support my family. When God and I had long talks one summer about how to be a good friend, I learned the new normal of leaning on Him for my emotional needs rather than seeking that elsewhere.

I keep using that word "learn." I'm only 27 years old but I've already decided that we never stop learning and growing.

Last week, I felt a lot of newness in my life. My husband was transitioning into a new job (pretty much his first new job in 11 years), my brother and sister-in-law had a baby (yay!), and my job was the busiest it's ever been as I continue to get used to this relatively new career (counseling).

Sometimes we can experience good or neutral events but they still effect us like the world is going to end. Positive stress is better than negative stress but I still react to it the same way. Usually, I need to have a good long cry. By Friday of last week, I was ready for that but hadn't figured out how to do it. By Sunday, my body had had enough and I cried straight for thirty minutes (during church), just because.

I'm over the shock of things looking different and the emotional hump (for now). I find myself facing this new normal with my eyes and ears open. How can I support my husband as he works from home? What can I change about my routine at work that will help me stay happy and healthy? How can I support my brother and sister-in-law from six hours away?

This new normal feels like starting over . . . which can feel like opportunity.

Dad Post: To Build a House

This post was supposed to be published on 9/30/14. Whoops.

Does a person ever grow out of that stage of wanting to please her parents? I still have not. Whether I'm cleaning my house or choosing a new car, I find myself wondering what my parents would think. For example: sometime over the course of my marriage, I switched to use a mop rather than cleaning the floor by hand. This was to save time and make it easier to do an onerous task that otherwise would probably not get done. It's been years since the change and I still, to this day, have my mother's voice in my head explaining why the floor gets cleaner when you wash it by hand. Every. Single. Time. The worst part is, I know she's right.

My dad is a great thinker, literally. He thinks for long amounts of time and about very specific things. This makes him an excellent planner and follow-through-er. Luckily, I picked up some of his habits and usually have some sort of logical plan in place for most of my daily activities (though they may not be logical for the lay observer). I also inherited his sense of direction, taste for coffee, and stocky calf muscles. Unfortunately, I did not inherit his endurance for hard work. He is always doing things . . . and usually for other people!

Since his retirement, my dad works odd jobs around town, through his church, and at home and volunteers for clean up after natural disasters all over the country. He's gone a lot these days, traveling to scrape mud out of houses or building an addition for a church. He comes home with plenty of stories, too.

One trend I've noticed during his adventures is that his focus is not entirely, or even mostly, on the physical labor he's doing. Oh, he'll show me pictures of the progress they've made (proud of a job well done!) but what he tells me while showing these pictures are stories about people. He'll talk about how the team he was on worked really well together, the hosts were really kind and hospitable, or the neighbors had lots of questions about his faith or why he was helping.

What I learned from my Dad growing up and what I see even more clearly as an adult, is . . . well, it's a lot of things. But the two main points I'm making now are:

1. Whatever you do, do it to the best of your ability.

2. Meeting people's practical needs opens the door for meeting their spiritual needs.

So, when I go to my job and I feel tired, I push through. When I see a practical need around me, I consider meeting it. When I'm inspired by nature or challenged by worldly concerns or just happy to be doing a job that needs done, I'm reminded of him. And I praise God for my family.

Fitness and Health Update

Four days ago, I posted this on Facebook:

"
Working full time for the last two years has really taken a toll on my health. My weight has gone up (yes, even without eating all the stuff I don't eat) and my energy flat-lined. I've gotten into some bad habits and I lack the motivation to exercise. I used to walk 2+ miles a day just to get to work and now I drive everywhere. It's a sad story.
There's good news! I'm going to try tracking macro-nutrients and exercise using fancy phone apps ('cause that makes it fun, right?) You can "friend" me on myfitnesspal and runkeeper if you want. Be my friend! Walk around my neighborhood with me! If you have an MSU fitness center pass, let's schedule a "workout date."
"

I already feel a need to write an update because I already see areas that need major improvement! You guys, it's really hard to work out consistently and eat right!

Now that I'm done whining, here are the things that are going well and things that are NOT going well.

Excercise:
I have exercised more this week than any other since August. Huzzah! I need to walk or do yoga every day to stay in a healthy frame of mind. This area has improved since I started tracking but there is still room for improvement. My main issue is motivation. I have the time, the means, the energy, but not the will power. Finding friends to walk with me is really helpful!

Diet:
I haven't made major changes to my diet, just tracked calories and macro nutrients (protein, carbs, fats). I have also tried to be more intentional about eating when I'm hungry and not eating when I'm not hungry. This is easier than it used to be since I'm a recovering emotional eater. My other stress-relief hobbies help out here (yoga, walking, painting, reading, talking, music, etc.)

My goal for macro nutrients is consistent with a basic paleo food plan starting point: 20% protein, 20% carbs, 60% fats. I got really close to those percentages at first but as the week went on and my stress level rose, I have had increasing percentages of carbs, and decreasing percentages of protein and fat. One fact is glaringly obvious to me just based on my feelings; I NEED PROTEIN.

Since starting this job in February, diet has been a big problem for me. I often don't have time to eat lunch or have to eat while driving. I don't mind eating while driving but it makes meal planning very difficult. It's fun to eat fruit, nuts, chips, fruit/ nut bars, packages of deli meats, etc. but that's not really a full meal . . . I regularly don't get the protein I need or get it too late in the day.

I love making and eating chicken salad . . . for about two days until I get sick of it. I need more chicken salad type meals that can be eaten cold and on the go. Ideas? (Think paleo . . .)

In conclusion, I expect the exercise will continue to improve as I continue tracking. I need to work on increasing my protein to help me feel full and happy. Proper planning on the weekend is probably the key here. At least now I have my fitness tracking data to back me up and keep me motivated.

-April