Day 10

After two weeks of off time (seven of them fighting illness) I came to a special realization while talking to a favorite friend from church. I'll get to it in a second. First, have you noticed how structured I've been about not working? I scheduled volunteer work, set health goals, and built in some self-reflection all intended to keep me on track. On track for what? 

There have been two times in my life that presented real struggles for me in the area of time management and anxiety. Three years ago, I worked a part time job and had lots of down time. I was a mess. I spent too much time alone and listless. I was moody and insecure without a clear role defining who I was and what I was doing. Of course, this led to some healthy self growth and I found a better identity through some God healing. However, full time employment was a huge relief. 

Last summer, I had my first eight week furlough. I did better this time with giving myself goals (fixing up the house) but I spent way too much time alone and still became moody and dissatisfied. In particular, I was feeling pressured to finish the house. There was still a little bit of that insecurity in my identity. The state of the house was the state of my emotions. Was some unpainted trim left unfinished at the end of the summer? Then so was my sense of self worth! Silly me.

With these past experiences in mind, I must have been trying to prevent similar occurrences with my super scheduling. Now to the realization:

-I have had zero anxiety during my time off... Because Matthew works from home! 

Maybe I've grown a little and I don't struggle with anxiety as much. But I am also overflowing with gratitude that God has given me this time of comfort with my husband. It's been wonderful to support each other during our days.We work together a lot on the new house: keeping it clean and making plans. We also share very similar work lives. Both of our jobs are based on consulting: him with his particular brand of software and project management and me with mental health. I'm consistently amused with the struggles we share to communicate complex ideas to others, to prevent and mitigate conflicts, to problem solve, to be encouraging.

We are encouraging to each other and it's been some of the best times of our marriage. One of the reasons I was attracted to Matthew in the first place was because he had ambition. I don't celebrate ambition but I am ambitious myself and it's pleasant to have that in common. We have individual goals for our health, our businesses, and our communities. We have common goals for our marriage, our home, and our family. We have so many opportunities to grow together.

The presence of anxiety in my past does not guarantee it for my future. I thank God for this peaceful time and will be faithful to shore up for future challenges. I pray we continue this habit during the years when time is short and opportunities slim

The presence of difficulty in the past does not guarantee it for the future.

Day 3

Growing up in a small town, community just seemed to sort of . . . happen. I didn't really understand the effort that went into relationships because I had my parents/ school/ church/ other people to take care of planning events for me. Adult relationships are a lot of work but that work makes it so much more worth it.

Okay, so I'm thinking about this because I'm on Day 3 of my summer and I'm realizing where I am now is different than where I was last year. I had a mental list of how to spend my time last summer that included house projects, travel, and some family/ friend time. However, this year, spending time with friends and family is at the top of my list and I have been way more intentional about it. I don't want to lose any time!

Making friends as an adult seems mysterious but I think the same rules still apply. When I was growing up, my parents would coach me on how to do social stuff. If I wanted to hang out with someone, I had to ask that friend to ask their parents if she could come to my house on X day at Y time. It was usually an after school thing. My mom would make snacks.

At some point growing up, my parents stopped telling me how to hang out with people and the rules got a little fuzzier. It wasn't cool anymore to ask your teenage friends, "Hey, do you want to come hang out at my house after school?" No. People went to Sonic, or the pizza place, or a local barn (small town life). I was a junior in high school before cell phones really exploded. That changed my social life a LOT. People were instantly accessible. I didn't have to worry about their parents answering the phone. Communication became faster and more intimate and there weren't any rules.

So now that everyone has cell phones and we don't hang out after school and our parents don't make our snacks for us, I forget that relationships still follow the same basic rules.

"Hey, _______, do you want to hang out on X day and Y time? Let's eat _________, or drink _________, or watch _________."

Have you ever noticed how we tend to hang out with people we see in our day to day lives more than other people? This seems normal and natural but also unfair. Yeah, I like the people I work with and the people I go to church with and my neighbors. But, I also like people outside of my daily circles and I want to make time for them. So, I will.

Thus, my summer plans include travel to see people outside of my daily circles. It includes intentional get-togethers. I will call my neighbor and ask her to come over on X day and Y time to drink tea or walk around the neighborhood or go to a park.

Volunteer
I'm in preparation mode. I have two classes scheduled for Mondays and they will be roughly the same so that simplifies my life. I look forward to getting to know my students. :-)

Whole 30
I made pecan pie bars, yesterday, even though you're not supposed to make dessert substitutes. I didn't add the maple syrup so I dub them, "Acceptable." I like them a lot but I think I cooked them too long or needed to add more oil because they were a little dry.

• pulse 1.7 almond flour, 1 egg, 1 tsp coconut oil, ¼ tsp salt. press into pan. bake for 15 minutes at 350.
• blend 8 oz dates. add 2 eggs, ½ tsp vanilla, cinnamon
• pour and sprinkle 1 cup pecans. back for 30 minutes at 350.

We had a small group party last night and I successfully did not eat a single potato chip, even though they are still sitting on my counter. Since I have a cold, today, and my defenses are down, I may need Matthew to hide them before too long . . .

Study
Since I woke up with a cold, today. This is probably all I'm going to do. Why is it I can't sit still and read a book until I'm sick?

Self-Care
When I woke up sick, I cleared my schedule and took some medicine. So that counts, right? I'm also going to spend the day sitting and reading. Also, I wrote this blog.

-April

Day 1

Despite some nerves, my first day has been pretty smooth and is going by fast. For someone who has off and on anxiety, a complete change in routine can be pretty stressful. However, I woke up ready to tackle my goals. I also had a good state of mind after talking through some of my issues last night with Matthew. Basically, I was feeling the pressure to start my first day knowing exactly what was going to happen at my volunteer work. The problem with that state of mind is that I haven't had time to prepare anything yet because I just got off work! Give yourself a break, April.

Volunteer
This week is all about scheduling and preparing materials. I do know where and when I will be doing stuff so that's a relief. Other than filling my calender and to-do list, I'm taking it slow, today.

Whole 30
I drank honey-less coffee this morning and did some massive grocery shopping. It's so much easier to try a new diet when you have unlimited time to cook! I apologize for the lack of food pictures. I'm just not that kind of girl


Chicken Fingers (from Paleo Happy Hour)

I made chicken fingers for lunch. They were a little dry but tasted fine. The pork rind breading may have been the best part.

• grind ⅔ cup pork rinds, combine with ground almonds, garlic, onion, and cayenne.
• cut up chicken, dip it in 2 eggs, roll in mixture, and place on backing sheet. Bake for 25 minutes at 450, then broil for 5 minutes.

Parsnip Chips (from Paleo Happy Hour)

This is not a vegetable I ever expected to like but they were good!

• peel and cut ends of parsnips. slice into ⅛ inch rounds.
• combine 1 tbs coconut oil, 1 tbs chili powder, ½ tsp cumin, ½ tsp garlic, ¼ tsp cayenne, ¼ tsp salt
• bake. 10 minutes, turn and 10 minutes at 475.

Paleo Mayonnaise (from Paleo Happy Hour)
Very olive oily. Hmmm.

• blend 1 egg yolk, 1 egg, 1.5 tsp apple cider vinegar, ¼ tsp mustard, ¼ tsp salt, cayenne.
• add 1 cup olive oil slowly.
• I added lemon juice and chipotle peppers in adobo sauce to make it into Chipotle Mayo. 

Study
Maybe tomorrow if I feel like it?

Self-Care
I took a nap in the sun and prayed for perspective. I wrote this blog.

If I had thought to take a picture for the blog, today, it would have been Willow racing a bunny in the back yard. I was rooting for you, pup! (Except not. I'm really glad the rabbit made it out.) Instead, this is what happened while I wrote this blog:

Happy Monday!
-April

Pre Furlough Reflections

My last day of work for the 2014-2015 school year was Friday and I've never been more organized for some time off. For the next eight weeks, my main tasks are to volunteer, study counseling stuff, and travel. Ideally, these eight weeks will prove to be both relaxing and fruitful. Fruitfully relaxing. Purposefully chill.

I've chosen three organizations to support during my self-employed summer: a local domestic violence shelter, a crisis maternity home, and my church. The work will include presenting to groups on topics such as children's mental health, teaching skills like relaxation strategies to parents, and supporting staff by consulting on client needs. In all, I expect this work to take about 10 hours a week, depending.

It's been slow getting my ducks in a row but I've already learned a lot about self-promoting and catering to a specific audience. The beauty of it is that I'm relying more on my skills of adaptation and in-the-moment responses more than planning. Planning has always been a strength but being flexible to meet the needs of those I'm around is so vital for counseling. I'm excited to stretch this ability and see what happens as it happens.

Another project I've assigned myself is studying Trauma Informed Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and a collection of other therapy resources. The resource stack is pretty huge, actually. It's hard to find time to read during my regular working hours but I keep finding more interesting topics to check out. Maybe I'll do mini book reviews as I finish things.

The last and most important agenda is self-care. I was reminded last week during small group how little time I've dedicated to self-care in the last two months. We moved houses. I got sick. Work was really busy. The result is that I feel drained and spent, emotionally. It's past time to figure out a new routine in this new place.

It's hard to make time for things that don't accomplish anything other than to bring peace. Walking is great and I do that often because it's good physical exercise. However, my mind needs an intentional clearing out to reset. God and I need time together. My favorite activities include painting/ drawing, writing in a journal, and praying/ meditating. One of my visions for this new house is a designated Quiet Space. I'm picturing a place to kneel, some tactile stuff like a bonsai tree or water, and mood lighting. I get a lot out of sensory activities, symbolism, and active prayer.

Follow along for updates on my real and metaphorical journeys. I expect great things to happen this summer!

-April

Health Update Summer 2015

In my last health update, I talked about macro nutrients. Upon reflection, I think I'm doing really well getting enough protein every day. Yay, me! Now, I just need to remember to eat vegetables. Today, I made cauliflower fried rice and we loved it!


This health update is inspired by the start of summer and the end of a crazy busy season. We moved. I got sick. Work got hard. Stress happened. Eating happened. Wine happened. I really need a fresh start. I'm starting strong, though. I've attended a yoga class weekly since January. It's the best New Year's Resolution I've ever made. And for the month of May, Matthew's been going with me and it's like getting couple massages or something. Sometimes while in corpse pose, I try to hold his hand . . . :-P

Also, since we moved in April, we now live in a new neighborhood that just begs to be explored on foot and is super close to a Greenway walking trail. We walk several times a week, now. Food related, Matthew is doing the dishes every day because he can't stand to see his shiny new kitchen look dirty so I feel inspired to cook healthy homemade meals and make more messes. ;-)

So, I'm not going to give you any numbers like macro nutrients or BMI. I don't really want to know how much I weigh. Plus, doing the Whole 30 means I don't have to know! Ha ha! Considering I'm paleo already, the Whole 30 doesn't really change anything except limiting my sugar intake. So, I guess you could say I'm going on a sugar cleanse. Since I'm an emotional eater and addicted to sugar, this is the best thing for me right now.

At least I'm sleeping well. We've been sleeping with the windows open and the breeze and bird song are the best stress relief. So even though I'm celebrating the warm weather with cocktails with friends more than I should and indulging in Coconut Bliss ice cream (it's available in walking distance!) more than I should, I've actually never been happier. Life is funny, that way.

In addition to the sugar cleanse, I've been sprinting a couple times a week. I gave up on jogging a long time ago but sprinting is so refreshing and is over much faster. :-)

I'll be back with another health update in September or so to let you know how all of this goes. I'm off work for 8 weeks and I'm hoping that's enough time to make real lifestyle changes that stick.

If you want to live a healthier lifestyle, my advice to you is this: Try one thing at a time. Real change is slow. For example, I've decided not to commit to the real Whole 30 because reading ingredient labels for every single condiment is too much hassle for me right now. As long as they don't include any of my major triggers (ie: gluten), I'm okay with it. The most important thing is that I choose a plan I can stick to and feel happy with.

I wish you well.

Friendly Feelings

Hi guys. I have a big emotional thing I want to talk about. God's doing something in me and I think he might want to do it in others. Here's the story:

For a long time, I felt emotionally disconnected from other people. Maybe we all do at times? As a child, I was shy. As an adolescent, I was lonely. I didn't know why, but it seemed like everyone around me had better relationships than I did.

I internalized this feeling. I thought there was something wrong with me.

Then I thought maybe there was something wrong with everyone else.

Either way, I didn't feel like I had very many close friends who accepted me.

In college, I got involved with a female bible study group and we took turns telling our stories. There is something very magical about sharing personal information in a group setting and then experiencing complete acceptance and love in return. My experience in that group healed a lot of previous hurt and I ended up making some of the best friendships I still have.

I went through counseling school and learned a lot of good stuff about personal growth. I got even better. My marriage got better. I made more friends.

I joined Vineyard Church and God did some more healing (the kind only He can do.) In addition to the mental health I had been working on, God fixed some spiritual things. My relationships felt healthier than ever.

But all along this amazing journey, there was still a shred of that old hurt hanging on. I could feel it especially when I was tired or stressed. When I was too busy to spend a lot of time with people (my love language) I started to doubt my relationships. I could tell it was happening because I'd share my feelings with my husband and he'd give me that "You're really strange" look. God had done enough in my life that I knew these feelings came from a place of insecurity and were full of lies (LIES!), but it still hurt to feel that way.

As tends to happen in my relationship with God, feelings build up over time until I get tired of it and I come to Him, completely vulnerable, begging Him to take away this thorn in my side. "Why do I have to suffer from such bitterness! Why don't you just fix it, God?" Two weeks ago, after dealing with a lot of stress and busy-ness (we're buying a house!), it happened again. I cried. I got angry. God heard me.

So here are the gross details of my big emotional problem. I'm explaining it because if this situation sounds at all familiar to you, I want you to experience freedom like I have.

The Problem

If friends talked about hanging out with other friends, I felt left out.

If I learned about a social event where several friends were together and I wasn't invited, I felt left out.

If friends talked about how much they liked other friends, I felt like they didn't like me (or like me as much).

Basically, any positive attention shown by people I cared about for other people meant (to me) that people didn't care about me.

Obviously, these assumptions are ridiculous and wrong for so many reasons. I knew it was wrong but couldn't stop feeling that way. I strongly believe that in order to get rid of something bad, you have to replace it with something good. Here are some of the truths that God hammered (and is still hammering) into my brain:

The Solution

1. My worth as a person is found in God alone, not in what other people may do or say.

2. I have to understand how much God loves me, first, before I can experience healthy love from anyone else.

3. It is unfair to judge how someone feels about me based on random events or actions I observe and collect as "evidence" - that may or may not have anything at all to do with me.

4. God can heal incorrect beliefs and unhealthy patterns of behavior. God can change hearts and minds.

So, I prayed for God to heal me. First, I asked Him to prompt me mentally when I began to feel bad about a relationship. I asked that He would remind me of the truth so I could replace wrong beliefs with right ones. I also prayed that he would change my feelings, because I know that it is not His will for me to have low self-esteem.

And God came through. It has been two weeks since I prayed that prayer and I have encountered several opportunities to have God change my mind and heart. He has been faithful to me and I will continue to practice the habits he is growing in me.

I hope this helps someone. <3

Political Post

Because I don't know how to talk about this but it is really important, I'm going to keep it short.

On April 7th, I will vote no to repeal the SOGI bill because it is wrong to deny the rights of individuals (such as employment, housing, and the use of public facilities) based on personal identity, just like it is wrong to discriminate based on sex, age, race, etc.

I vote to allow all persons in this city equal access to basic civil liberties.

If there are complications in response to this bill remaining law, then I will help to resolve those issues as they arise (IF they arise) on a case by case basis by continuing to vote in the future. I also care about the rights of organizations like churches to continue to enjoy religious freedom and the rights of small children to feel safe in public restrooms.

I hope we all can work together to keep this city a safe, happy, and productive city.