Tales from the Vineyard: Covid

The church I attended for over a decade recently closed. I feel like God is inviting me to remember and share some of the good fruit that was produced during my time there.

If you're reading this and you ever attended Vineyard and God showed up for you there, will you share your story?

4 Then Joshua called the twelve men from the people of Israel, whom he had appointed, a man from each tribe. 5 And Joshua said to them, “Pass on before the ark of the Lord your God into the midst of the Jordan, and take up each of you a stone upon his shoulder, according to the number of the tribes of the people of Israel, 6 that this may be a sign among you. When your children ask in time to come, ‘What do those stones mean to you?’ 7 then you shall tell them that the waters of the Jordan were cut off before the ark of the covenant of the Lord. When it passed over the Jordan, the waters of the Jordan were cut off. So these stones shall be to the people of Israel a memorial forever.” Joshua 4:4-7

Truly, I mean this: The time I spent with God and God's people at Springfield Vineyard Church for the past 13+ years was not wasted.

 

Covid Spring 2020

The world changing event of covid 19 resulted in our church meeting online for year. Like many other organizations, we had not built the technological infrastructure to seamlessly transition into a strictly remote community. I could not possibly detail, much less summarize, the amount of time and energy that went into this effort by our pastors and technology team. All I can do is say "Thank you!" and tell you my story.

I truly grieved the loss of in person worship in March 2020, and it was right before Easter, no less! I always look forward to Easter. It is a season of renewed hope and trust in God for what is to come. To lose the gift of celebration right then was so painful. I cried during the entire internet worship and sermon. It just wasn't the same, singing songs from a recording and listening to a one-sided conversation. Who was going to pray for me? How was I going to know what God was doing in others' lives?

We don't typically choose when it is time to grieve. It usually just happens to us. This was not my first grieving experience so I knew I needed to take the time to really lean in to the process. I let God have it: my pain, my loneliness, my fear and disappointment. He, of course, knew all of this was going to happen and was ready to receive.

Almost from the very start I knew covid was going to change me. How could it not? Everyone suffered somehow, some more than others, but I knew that the separation from community was going to be especially difficult for me. I've always been acutely aware of my need to belong to a group, to be seen, to have access to God's people for prayer and building up. So the blessings of covid really are two main things: Gifts from God in growing my ability to be sustained more directly by Him . . . and delighting in community from afar, through the hard work and dedication of my pastors and community of Springfield Vineyard Church.

There were so many gifts to staying connected to church during a pandemic. First, it truly was a communal grieving process. Everyone suffered. Every fear was shared. When someone shared a specific need or prayer request, there was a distinct feeling of "it could be me" that I think really opened people's hearts toward compassion.

God used covid to help us learn to reach out to each other in more direct ways. You know how you sometimes know someone from church but it's because you always get coffee at the same time? Well, using zoom for church makes that less convenient. So if you want to know how that person is, you have to ask. And you have to speak up because not all computer speakers are created equal. Zoom made community building super intentional when maybe it used to be a little happenstance. And prayer ministry was more direct, at least for our church. We used small break out rooms to give more people opportunity to share.

When the warm weather arrived, we added in-person small groups to our repertoire. It was informal and a little sweaty, but it turns out that lawn chairs in a big circle in the backyard is good enough for ministry. We made it work within the constraints we were given and it was beautiful. I'm so grateful for the community that happened that summer. The joy in being together after months apart was so good and the pressure to do ministry "just right" became moot when there was so much at stake. God opened my eyes to what really mattered during this time. Do I care if I have to sit outside in the 85 degree July evening (pregnant, no less, haha) if it meant getting to do church with my people? Turns out, I did not.

The last thing I'll say is what God was doing in me, during this year off church. I had to face all of my fears of missing out, over and over and over again. Social media was not my friend, but I couldn't quit because it was my only connection to certain people. So I had to figure out another way to stay connected and healthy. I don't really have anything poignant to say about this except that I know, in hindsight, it changed me because I no longer struggle with FOMO the way I used to. Being invited into a closer communion with God (though it felt more like "forced" at times), was a real gift, and one that keeps on giving.

I praise God for the ways he blessed me and my Springfield Vineyard Church community during covid.

Tales from the Vineyard: Godspeed

The church I attended for over a decade recently closed. I feel like God is inviting me to remember and share some of the good fruit that was produced during my time there.

If you're reading this and you ever attended Vineyard and God showed up for you there, will you share your story?

4 Then Joshua called the twelve men from the people of Israel, whom he had appointed, a man from each tribe. 5 And Joshua said to them, “Pass on before the ark of the Lord your God into the midst of the Jordan, and take up each of you a stone upon his shoulder, according to the number of the tribes of the people of Israel, 6 that this may be a sign among you. When your children ask in time to come, ‘What do those stones mean to you?’ 7 then you shall tell them that the waters of the Jordan were cut off before the ark of the covenant of the Lord. When it passed over the Jordan, the waters of the Jordan were cut off. So these stones shall be to the people of Israel a memorial forever.” Joshua 4:4-7

Truly, I mean this: The time I spent with God and God's people at Springfield Vineyard Church for the past 13+ years was not wasted. 

 

Godspeed Spring 2019 

I and a good sized group from our church attended the Godspeed conference in Kansas City and it changed my life. I believe when we show up for God with the intention of being changed and we decide to put real effort and intention into that dedicated time, God honors that. This was my experience at the Godspeed conference. I had a nine month old baby at the time. Instead of letting that deter me, I invited my mother to the conference, too. We used the time to hang out with my cousin. It was great! My mom said my cute baby even brought some much needed levity to a serious/ sad situation she encountered. God's good like that.

"Godspeed" represents the pace at which God moves in contrast to how humans work. It's a beautiful call back to some ancient practices in the early church that often get forgotten during the busy seasons of service and ministry of the modern church. Without getting pulled too far into historical weeds I have barely studied, I'll just say this conference was a true beginning for me in my spiritual life. I had never before felt so invited and educated on the deep, spiritual work I have always felt called to. Contemplative prayer, the daily examine, practicing gratitude, silence . . . these ideas were not foreign to me but I'd never really taken the time to practice them.

Godspeed gave me the space to do that. In the midst of learning to be a mother, still working through living life without a career or "purpose," and feeling tired all the dang time, I let God lead me into a new season of growing with Him. I was able to ponder and reflect on painful experiences that had felt meaningless or selfish and see the richness God had planted there. Instead of shoving down intrusive thoughts that caused me shame, I felt God's invitation to explore those thoughts and be changed by Him. It was truly profound. If you have never experienced something like this, check it out (I'll list resources below.)

This conference also challenged a lot that I had assumed that church was supposed to be. I think I had been sort of waiting around for God to do miraculous things through me and didn't realize there was work to do inside myself. There's this whole concept of loving out of being loved. Serving out of "overflow". But really, step one is not loving God or other people, but being loved. Being a Christian wasn't about being "good enough," or reading my bible more, or praying right, or doing good things for people, it was just being in a relationship with God. I think I'd always known that logically but this conference was the first time I actually felt the freedom that comes with the deep knowledge that God, Himself, is enough. It is truly life changing.

Looking back, I can see all the beautiful seeds that God planted in me that have been growing ever since. I wrote a song while I was there. I started reading books that brought my two loves together (faith and mental health) in a way I didn't know but had always dreamed was possible. I began the slow and steady work of letting go of my striving and being changed by the nearness of God.

I think this conference, and the changes it inspired in our church community in the years that followed, will always be a highlight for me of my time at Vineyard. It marks a personal turning point that set me on a path that I haven't even begun to see all the twists and turns of. I have had such a deep hope and inspiration to continue this good and powerful work ever since. I praise God for the way He showed up for me at the Vineyard Godspeed conference.

The song I wrote:

Stay Close to Me

The time I spend with You is never wasted
Nothing is more real than You right now
As I abide with You Your love will grow in me

Oh Lord, I pray Stay close to me

I want to see the fruit of Your design
I need Your help to let go of my pride
You are all the reputation I desire

Oh Lord, I pray Stay close to me

You live and breathe in me. You change the way I see
You’re making me a vessel for Your glory
I choose the path You made. I choose the narrow gate
I choose to be a vessel for Your glory

Oh Lord, I pray Stay close to me

Wanna learn more about Spiritual Formation?

https://www.danwilt.com/

https://apprenticeinstitute.org/

https://renovare.org/

https://freelyandlightly.org/

https://www.upperroom.org/

Practicing Hope

**Written in 2016 and forgotten**

 

November 30: Tim preaches on Hope at Vineyard Church and how it is rooted in the past, practiced in the present, and realized in the future. He quotes Romans 8:22-25: "We know that the whole creation has been groaning as in the pains of childbirth right up to the present time. Not only so, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for our adoption to sonship, the redemption of our bodies. For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what they already have? But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently."

Tim challenges us to "seek the courage to experience our circumstances to find God working in them" and to "intentionally practice hope."

And I realize that hope is not a fuzzy-warm feeling of "everything's going to be okay" but an uncomfortable, sometimes painful, process of waiting and striving and expecting diligently.

December 19: I was still thinking about this sermon and wrote the following on the Facebook page we use to pray for our church:

Continuing the theme of hope especially after Tim preached about it. It's been stuck in my head. So there I was, reading this great book (Daring Greatly by Brene Brown) and I read:

"According to Snyder, who dedicated his career to studying this topic, hope isn't an emotion; it's a way of thinking or a cognitive process . . . Hope happens when:
1. We have the ability to set realistic goals (I know where I want to go)

2. We are able to figure out how to achieve those goals, including the ability to stay flexible and develop alternative routes (I know how to get there, I'm persistent, and I can tolerate disappointment and try again)
3. We believe in ourselves (I can do this!)"

These words are written by a hope researcher from a scientific point of view but I felt God poke at me when I read them. I feel convicted that God is asking me, and perhaps all of us, to practice hope.

God, my prayer is for You to supernaturally move through our church family and give us real hope. Not just an emotional feeling but a profound belief that You can do this! Give us the courage and strength to set realistic goals. Give us the humility and wisdom to be flexible in those goals if Your way looks a little different. Remind us of Your almighty power to accomplish anything through the people You put here.

I'm reminded that God's way often appears counter-intuitive, conundrumical, or paradoxical. Lord, I pray You work through the limits of our minds and imaginations.

Let our words, thoughts, and actions bring glory to Your name.


December 26: My neighbors are in a car accident that appears horrible and leaves them bruised but everyone walks away (Thank the Lord). Their beloved family dog runs away from the accident but efforts to find him are immediately organized.


December 27: I learn about the accident and I'm sad about the dog. God hears my cries.

December 28: While walking around looking for this dog, I'm singing Oh Lord, My Shepherd Be and thinking about Matthew 18:12: “What do you think? If a man owns a hundred sheep, and one of them wanders away, will he not leave the ninety-nine on the hills and go to look for the one that wandered off?"

December 29: I go looking for the dog again. It's hard to feel sad and still try to find a solution. I cry out to God.

December 30: I share with a coworker how much harder it is to care about something. I cry a lot more when I care. Hoping hurts.

December 31: It's the last day of the year and I'm reading this phenomenal book by Daniel Siegal called The Whole-Brain Child. On page 99, he writes "There's a lot of scientific evidence demonstrating that focused attention leads to the reshaping of the brain . . . the physical architecture of the brain changes according to where we direct our attention and what we practice doing."

I'm reminded of Philippians 4:8: "Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. What you have learned and received and heard and seen in me—practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you."

I'm practicing.

May 12: God made miraculous things happen to my neighbors who lost their dog. They found a dog similar to the one they lost that just happened to be his brother. This brother had been lost for over a year. My neighbors made friends with this dog's owner and they got to keep the dog. It's one more part of the story. I'm hopeful for more.

Seven Years

When I first learned about unconditional positive regard in counseling school it felt too good to be true. How could I be accepted for exactly who I was? What about all of my mistakes, innate selfish tendencies and disregard for others? I understood the basic concept and even learned how to use it in sessions, but I struggled personally with the idea that I was worthy of such treatment myself. It felt unrealistic in light of my (admittedly limited) understanding of theology and I did not understand how God could approve of such an experience for myself. I went so far as to worry that my faith and career were incompatible and I would have to choose one or the other.

Logically, I can see how my thinking was flawed. Academically, I understood unconditional positive regard was simply a tool to help people feel validated in their experiences and begin to make positive change as a natural consequence of that feeling. I knew that it was not the same thing as God's love, which is even more capable of seeing us for who we really are than any human and more powerful to change us than our own attempts. No, it was not my mind that got in the way, it was my heart. I was held back from both receiving and giving true unconditional love because I felt hurt and wounded myself. It was impossible to give away something I hadn't yet experienced (or allowed myself to experience) for myself.

God healed me of my hurts, several times. He showed up and loved me, over and over and over. He used other people to do it. And I remembered His promises. And then I went on living and got hurt again and needed healed again and the cycle felt too familiar. What was wrong with me? Why did things have to hurt? I must not have done something right the first time or this wouldn't keep happening . . . 

I recently received my License as a Professional Counselor and while this is a huge milestone in my career and general accomplishments, I know that I have much learning and growing still to do. Perhaps this latest pondering about what it means to Be Loved and to Love Others is my most recent test in life's ongoing trials.

I don't like admitting when I'm wrong. I don't like the hard work required to take other perspectives, be challenged in my beliefs, or face my prejudices. These things don't come easy. They are the Messy Middle, the unknowns, the unforeseen but necessary struggles. Each time I struggle I remember that I am flawed. I am human. It sucks.

Pride is a regular downfall for me (for everyone?) but it isn't my only or biggest one. Hidden below pride is hurt. For me, it's usually fear of rejection. If I am not the Best, the First, or the Most Talented, then how will I know I am loved?

These thoughts are both old and new. It's an ongoing conversation I've been having with myself for at least seven years. Most of my personal epiphanies have something to do with identity, love, acceptance, etc. This is simply one more installment in my quest for insight.

Logically, I know that God loves me and that is enough. He loves who I was seven years ago, who I am now, and who I will become. The missing piece is not my knowledge of God's love but my experience of it, and that takes practice and discipline. We all need to know . . . every moment . . . deeply . . . how much God loves us. Only by experiencing that One True unconditional positive regard can we begin to live freely. The battle is not between Counseling and Christianity, but between hurts and healing.

I have worked for seven years to get to this place, to call myself "Counselor." It is just a name. But it is hard won and I want to keep fighting. This week, I collected two ideas to practice:

1. I will drink water first thing in the morning and meditate on God's Love as healing water

2. I will memorize a scripture that reminds me of this truth

1 John 4: 16-19
So we have come to know and to believe the love that God has for us. God is love, and whoever abides in love abides in God, and God abides in him. By this is love perfected with us, so that we may have confidence for the day of judgment, because as he is so also are we in this world. There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love. We love because he first loved us.

I'm amazed by new friendships originating in happenstance.

Is it coincidence that I find joy in friendship?

How did I get so lucky?

Do humans naturally adapt to love what surrounds us?

Can we learn to love those who are different from us?

Is any government worthy of the challenges we face?

Can we really take care of each other?

If humans are flawed, then is any system we create equally flawed?

Can we stay systematically adaptive to survive society?

Can we take care of those different from us?

Convenience is costly.

What should I sacrifice to take care of myself and my environment?

How does shame prevent change?

Invitation to Explore London

Would you like to explore all the places I visited in London recently? Now you can! Below is my itinerary including links to read about what I did while I was there. Behold:

Sunday
SW London Vineyard
Tower Bridge

Monday
Westminster Abbey
Houses of Parliament
Banqueting House
10 Downing Street
National Portrait Gallery

Tuesday
British Museum
Adaptavist

Wednesday
Tower of London
London Wall
Cutty Sark
Royal Observatory
National Maritime Museum
Prime Meridian
The Monument
1920 Bar

Thursday
Guildhall Art Gallery
Roman Amphitheater
Museum of London
Hyde Park Winter Wonderland

Friday
Iyengar Yoga Institute Maida Vale
Oxford Street
The Sutton Arms

Saturday
Imperial War Museum
Trafalgar Square
Buckingham Palace

Emotional Writing

I'm currently reading Brene Brown's Daring Greatly. She's written several books but my brother, a self-described Brown evangelist, mostly recommends Daring Greatly and Rising Strong. If you're curious if her books are right for you: 1. Yes, they are. 2. Watch this video.

On page 82, Brown quotes Pennebaker (author of Writing to Heal) on the power of emotional writing: ""The evidence is mounting that the act of writing about traumatic experience for as little as fifteen or twenty minutes a day for three or four days can produce measurable changes in physical and mental health. Emotional writing can also affect people's sleep habits, work efficiency, and how they connect with others.""

This passage struck me. I remember last year, I was very intentional about buying a new notebook for the new school year. It's teal and gorgeous. I also bought fancy blue pens to use only when writing in this notebook. I didn't have plans for the notebook, specifically. I didn't know that it would change me.

In August of 2014, I was working at a job that still felt new and I had just had two months of furlough. It was scary to jump into the busy season, still learning the ropes. As a counselor, I often find myself in situations that most people would describe as "awkward." I specialize in difficult conversations. I have years of training to prepare me for this. And yet, some days, I feel like I fail at this.

My pretty new notebook became my shame journal, of sorts. When I found myself feeling overwhelmed, I would take a short break and write down all of my thoughts, especially the really ugly ones. If I worried about being good enough to do my job, I wrote it down. I confessed all of my fears about my own self-worth, ponderings about how other people felt about me, and questions about the meaning of life. Unsurprisingly, it wasn't just work stuff, but life stuff, church stuff, and friend stuff that made it's way into the notebook. Turns out, when I felt stressed at work, everything in life got harder. And vice versa.

My journal is still with me but I don't use it as much. It seems that after I gave myself permission to recognize in the moment what I was feeling, the feelings didn't last as long. Writing things down also acted as a reminder to pray about them. And after clarifying how I felt about something and prayed about it, I felt more prepared and able to share it with someone else, should that need to happen.

On reflection, I can see how implementing a Back To Work writing therapy really improved my efficiency at my job and helped me grow to be an even better counselor. When I'm going through something in life (because life still happens) I'm not as afraid of those difficult conversations. I can better recognize now what is my reaction and what is happening outside of me.

Keep Calm and Write It Down

Another topic related to this is mindfulness. I highly recommend Dan Siegel as a source on that.