Seven Years

When I first learned about unconditional positive regard in counseling school it felt too good to be true. How could I be accepted for exactly who I was? What about all of my mistakes, innate selfish tendencies and disregard for others? I understood the basic concept and even learned how to use it in sessions, but I struggled personally with the idea that I was worthy of such treatment myself. It felt unrealistic in light of my (admittedly limited) understanding of theology and I did not understand how God could approve of such an experience for myself. I went so far as to worry that my faith and career were incompatible and I would have to choose one or the other.

Logically, I can see how my thinking was flawed. Academically, I understood unconditional positive regard was simply a tool to help people feel validated in their experiences and begin to make positive change as a natural consequence of that feeling. I knew that it was not the same thing as God's love, which is even more capable of seeing us for who we really are than any human and more powerful to change us than our own attempts. No, it was not my mind that got in the way, it was my heart. I was held back from both receiving and giving true unconditional love because I felt hurt and wounded myself. It was impossible to give away something I hadn't yet experienced (or allowed myself to experience) for myself.

God healed me of my hurts, several times. He showed up and loved me, over and over and over. He used other people to do it. And I remembered His promises. And then I went on living and got hurt again and needed healed again and the cycle felt too familiar. What was wrong with me? Why did things have to hurt? I must not have done something right the first time or this wouldn't keep happening . . . 

I recently received my License as a Professional Counselor and while this is a huge milestone in my career and general accomplishments, I know that I have much learning and growing still to do. Perhaps this latest pondering about what it means to Be Loved and to Love Others is my most recent test in life's ongoing trials.

I don't like admitting when I'm wrong. I don't like the hard work required to take other perspectives, be challenged in my beliefs, or face my prejudices. These things don't come easy. They are the Messy Middle, the unknowns, the unforeseen but necessary struggles. Each time I struggle I remember that I am flawed. I am human. It sucks.

Pride is a regular downfall for me (for everyone?) but it isn't my only or biggest one. Hidden below pride is hurt. For me, it's usually fear of rejection. If I am not the Best, the First, or the Most Talented, then how will I know I am loved?

These thoughts are both old and new. It's an ongoing conversation I've been having with myself for at least seven years. Most of my personal epiphanies have something to do with identity, love, acceptance, etc. This is simply one more installment in my quest for insight.

Logically, I know that God loves me and that is enough. He loves who I was seven years ago, who I am now, and who I will become. The missing piece is not my knowledge of God's love but my experience of it, and that takes practice and discipline. We all need to know . . . every moment . . . deeply . . . how much God loves us. Only by experiencing that One True unconditional positive regard can we begin to live freely. The battle is not between Counseling and Christianity, but between hurts and healing.

I have worked for seven years to get to this place, to call myself "Counselor." It is just a name. But it is hard won and I want to keep fighting. This week, I collected two ideas to practice:

1. I will drink water first thing in the morning and meditate on God's Love as healing water

2. I will memorize a scripture that reminds me of this truth

1 John 4: 16-19
So we have come to know and to believe the love that God has for us. God is love, and whoever abides in love abides in God, and God abides in him. By this is love perfected with us, so that we may have confidence for the day of judgment, because as he is so also are we in this world. There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love. We love because he first loved us.

I'm amazed by new friendships originating in happenstance.

Is it coincidence that I find joy in friendship?

How did I get so lucky?

Do humans naturally adapt to love what surrounds us?

Can we learn to love those who are different from us?

Is any government worthy of the challenges we face?

Can we really take care of each other?

If humans are flawed, then is any system we create equally flawed?

Can we stay systematically adaptive to survive society?

Can we take care of those different from us?

Convenience is costly.

What should I sacrifice to take care of myself and my environment?

How does shame prevent change?

Invitation to Explore London

Would you like to explore all the places I visited in London recently? Now you can! Below is my itinerary including links to read about what I did while I was there. Behold:

Sunday
SW London Vineyard
Tower Bridge

Monday
Westminster Abbey
Houses of Parliament
Banqueting House
10 Downing Street
National Portrait Gallery

Tuesday
British Museum
Adaptavist

Wednesday
Tower of London
London Wall
Cutty Sark
Royal Observatory
National Maritime Museum
Prime Meridian
The Monument
1920 Bar

Thursday
Guildhall Art Gallery
Roman Amphitheater
Museum of London
Hyde Park Winter Wonderland

Friday
Iyengar Yoga Institute Maida Vale
Oxford Street
The Sutton Arms

Saturday
Imperial War Museum
Trafalgar Square
Buckingham Palace

Emotional Writing

I'm currently reading Brene Brown's Daring Greatly. She's written several books but my brother, a self-described Brown evangelist, mostly recommends Daring Greatly and Rising Strong. If you're curious if her books are right for you: 1. Yes, they are. 2. Watch this video.

On page 82, Brown quotes Pennebaker (author of Writing to Heal) on the power of emotional writing: ""The evidence is mounting that the act of writing about traumatic experience for as little as fifteen or twenty minutes a day for three or four days can produce measurable changes in physical and mental health. Emotional writing can also affect people's sleep habits, work efficiency, and how they connect with others.""

This passage struck me. I remember last year, I was very intentional about buying a new notebook for the new school year. It's teal and gorgeous. I also bought fancy blue pens to use only when writing in this notebook. I didn't have plans for the notebook, specifically. I didn't know that it would change me.

In August of 2014, I was working at a job that still felt new and I had just had two months of furlough. It was scary to jump into the busy season, still learning the ropes. As a counselor, I often find myself in situations that most people would describe as "awkward." I specialize in difficult conversations. I have years of training to prepare me for this. And yet, some days, I feel like I fail at this.

My pretty new notebook became my shame journal, of sorts. When I found myself feeling overwhelmed, I would take a short break and write down all of my thoughts, especially the really ugly ones. If I worried about being good enough to do my job, I wrote it down. I confessed all of my fears about my own self-worth, ponderings about how other people felt about me, and questions about the meaning of life. Unsurprisingly, it wasn't just work stuff, but life stuff, church stuff, and friend stuff that made it's way into the notebook. Turns out, when I felt stressed at work, everything in life got harder. And vice versa.

My journal is still with me but I don't use it as much. It seems that after I gave myself permission to recognize in the moment what I was feeling, the feelings didn't last as long. Writing things down also acted as a reminder to pray about them. And after clarifying how I felt about something and prayed about it, I felt more prepared and able to share it with someone else, should that need to happen.

On reflection, I can see how implementing a Back To Work writing therapy really improved my efficiency at my job and helped me grow to be an even better counselor. When I'm going through something in life (because life still happens) I'm not as afraid of those difficult conversations. I can better recognize now what is my reaction and what is happening outside of me.

Keep Calm and Write It Down

Another topic related to this is mindfulness. I highly recommend Dan Siegel as a source on that.

Uncertainty

Sometimes, God talks to me while I'm driving home from the grocery store listening to the radio. I don't really feel like I said what I was trying to say, but go ahead and enjoy my stream of consciousness:

I asked God to help me understand why it's so hard to watch other people struggle. If someone I know is hurting, I want to comfort them and cry with them. I want to feed them a nice dinner. Mostly, I want to fix the problem for them. Sometimes I think this is out of my own need to control things rather than a desire to make someone else's pain go away.

I have pretty low tolerance for discomfort and have mastered the art of complaining. I usually get what I want. I find boredom equally as painful as busyness. I'm constantly striving for balance between hunger and fullness, thirst and having to pee all the time, loneliness and social anxiety. In addition to this, I really don't like not knowing if I will be able to take care of these needs in the future. I plan. I pack snacks.

But God doesn't give me perfect balance in every situation. I have to suffer through the reality of life. Meditation has helped with this. I'm learning to be present in the moment, breathe through it and be okay. This has calmed my general state of mind as well as my existential state of mind. Life after death doesn't sound so terrifying anymore.

Because of my intolerance to uncertainty I don't always know how to respond to friends who are in painful situations. I know I can't fix it. I know there's nothing practical that will make it better. I know nobody is expecting me to make it better. But still, there's this internal pressure to somehow be just the right kind of friend to make things better. I don't know what it is but if I don't do it then I've failed as a friend. What kind of friend just lets people suffer?

I know this is not really about other people. It's really about me.

I don't expect God to take away all of my uncertainty, but I'm still learning how to deal with it. It feels like driving on a small highway late at night. It's like waiting for my dad to get home from work and it's stormy outside. It's staying with relatives while my mom is having surgery. It's being five years old and dealing with all these other kids at school who do and say unexpected things.

So tonight while driving home, I recognized to myself and to God that my discomfort with uncertainty may be hampering my interactions with the world. His response:

-There will always be uncertainty in life (ugh)
-Uncertainty will probably always be uncomfortable (ugh)
-I can trust in His ability to take care of me
-I can trust in His ability to take care of other people
-I can remember what He has done for me in the past
-I can make appropriate decisions based on the skills and knowledge He has given me
-I can let go of any personal responsibility I have put on myself for the suffering of other people

Hebrews 13:7-8
Remember your leaders, those who spoke to you the word of God. Consider the outcome of their way of life, and imitate their faith. Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever.

The leaders I think about in that verse are not people who have life easy or comfortable. They are people who rely on God. I can change my goal from "being comfortable" to "being reliant on God." It may be uncomfortable but losing the burden of responsibility evens things out. :-)

Reflections on My Soul

how is your soul? Week 1

The Tuesday night small group at Vineyard Church in Springfield, MO is spending weekly time in worship and prayer. We are digging into the "how is your soul?" pamphlet during the week.

My soul has been tired. It usually is, now that I think about it. I work really hard to do the right thing and give what I can to people. It's never enough.

I spent all summer trying to take care of myself. It was great and easy because I had a lot of time. Now that I'm back to a busy schedule, I fell back into old habits.

I often see the signs of soul-emptiness but don't often recognize them for what they are. I'm impatient. I struggle to empathize (it's a skill, not a trait). I pity myself. I get jealous. I feel lonely. I'm selfish. I feel bad for feeling selfish.

By nature, humans are selfish. We have to be to survive. But God calls us to love others, too. The only way is by experiencing His love for us, first. I know this. I know it so much. But what I realized this week is that I need more of His love every day.

I guess I thought soaking in God's love was good for three days? Or maybe I should be a better person and need filled up less often . . . if only I was good enough.

That's a lie, folks!

Some of you are shaking your heads because you knew this already. I should have. God tells me. Other people tell me. I tell myself. It's pretty straight forward having a relationship with God kinda stuff. But I'm human and I forget things.

Feeling "good enough" is an old theme in my life. I'm a recovering perfectionist. I have super high standards for myself (and thus, for others). Over and over, God calls me out of my expectations and into His unconditional love. The good news is it gets easier every time to turn around.

So, God, I pray You fill me up again! And I pray for Your love over anyone reading this blog who needs it. (In other words: everybody.)

Greening

"Suddenly, it became very green." - David Perdew

Just like we watch for the coming of spring, God asks us to watch for His growth in us. I've been reminded of this truth several times, lately. In the bible, in song, in trainings, and in relationships.

I don't agree with everyone. Theology. Politics. Religion. Spirituality. Life is confusing, sometimes, and I do not have all of the answers. Thankfully, God does not expect me to have all of the answers. What I can do, however, is look for the fruit.

John 15:5
I am the vine; you are the branches. Whoever abides in me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing.

"Full Attention" - Jeremy Riddle
Keep me abiding
That I, that I may bear fruit

"Gospel of Wholeness" - Danny Meyer
We must address the root issue of sin in our lives because our sin will always produce bad fruit.

2 Peter 1:5-8
For this very reason, make every effort to supplement your faith with virtue^, and virtue with knowledge, and knowledge with self-control, and self-control with steadfastness, and steadfastness with godliness, and godliness with brotherly affection, and brotherly affection with love. For if these qualities are yours and are increasing, they keep you from being ineffective or unfruitful in the knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ.

So, Lord, I pray that I will continue to abide in You. Keep me close. Point out the sin in my life so I won't "trip over the rug" anymore. Help me see the fruit in my life and in the lives of those around me. Where there is fruit, there is You.